awesome. here i am… i’ve been advised to write out the dark nasty parts of my life that i buried for a lifetime. i have had enough people tell me over the past 3-1/2 years that the horrible night terrors that have plagued me since my 20’s are coming from those deep dark nasty parts… the parts i’ve kept secret from even my closest of friends… husband… mother… but if i want to heal finally and completely, i need to let those secrets out.
there are a small few that know both stories. not in great detail. but enough to be able to see and tell me that there is an incredibly ascared little girl inside of me. every few weeks i’ll have a night terror – always the same theme. someone, or many someones, are trying to get in and hurt me. breaking in, crashing in, beating on the door, pushing through a door… i never see them. but i know they want to hurt me. my dream screams translate to real world moans and whimpers. both my ex and current husbands shake me awake… (current husband holds me until i stop shaking and fall back asleep)
the past two night terrors have been different. where before i always remembered in fuzzy detail the attempted attack, the past two i am just “screaming” and my husband wakes me and holds me… but even though my heart is pounding and i feel like i’ve had a night terror – there is no remembrance at all of having the dream.
this ascares me, and is what finally pushed me into writing. that and i didn’t want to start this journey until after my wedding… and i’m two weeks post-wedding.
my wedding! at 59 i married my best friend. my brain has trouble comprehending the level of love i have for this man. every day is a joy. and that is the good part.
the bad part is my fear of dealing with my past. until that’s behind me, i may never be guaranteed a night terror-free sleep. so here it goes…